How to Set New Year’s Resolutions You Can Actually Follow Through On
Originally published: December 15, 2025 • Updated: September 2026
Here’s the Gist
New Year’s resolutions are not automatically useless. The problem is usually that the goal is vague, unrealistic, or disconnected from how you actually want to live.
Be healthier. Stress less. Be more present. Stop overthinking. Those sound good, but they do not tell you what to do differently on Tuesday at 6:30 p.m.
Your values give the goal direction. Your behavior is where the change actually happens.
For some men with trauma, goals can get tangled up with perfectionism, control, avoidance, or the belief that trying harder should solve everything.
A useful resolution should help you practice something that matters to you, not become another yearly evaluation of whether you are disciplined enough.
The January Pressure to Become Someone Else
January has somehow become the month where everyone conducts an annual performance review of themselves.
Exercise more.
Eat better.
Drink less.
Spend less.
Work differently.
Be more patient.
Be a better husband.
Be a better dad.
Stop being anxious.
Finally deal with the thing you have been putting off.
There is nothing wrong with wanting something to change. But a lot of New Year’s resolutions start with: Here are all the things I do not like about myself. Let’s fix them. That is a rough place to build from. Especially for men who already spend a lot of time measuring themselves by how productive, useful, competent, disciplined, or in control they are. A resolution does not need to become another test you either pass or fail. It can be much simpler: What matters to me, and what would I actually do differently if I were living more consistently with that?
Resolutions Are Not the Problem. Bad Resolutions Are.
You have probably heard some version of: Most New Year’s resolutions fail anyway. That is more pessimistic than the research supports. In one large study of more than 1,000 people making New Year’s resolutions, 55% of respondents considered themselves successful at the one-year follow-up. Goals focused on doing something were also more successful than goals focused on stopping something. So I am not going to tell you resolutions are pointless. I am going to tell you some resolutions are badly designed. For example: Be less stressed. Okay. How? Be more present. What would I see you doing differently? Stop overthinking. When? About what? What are you currently doing when you overthink? Work on my mental health. That could mean almost anything. A resolution becomes much more useful when you can answer: What behavior am I actually trying to change?
Values Tell You the Direction. Goals Tell You What to Practice.
Suppose one of your values is: I want to be a present dad. Good. That matters. But be present is still not a behavior. Maybe being a present dad means:
I put my phone in another room during dinner.
I stop checking email while I’m helping with bedtime.
I take my kid somewhere one-on-one twice a month.
Now your behavior has somewhere to go. Or maybe the value is: I want my marriage to matter more than work. The goal might be: Two nights a week, the laptop closes at seven and stays closed. The value tells you why the behavior matters. The goal gives you something concrete enough to practice. You need both. Values without behavior can become nice ideas. Goals without values can become another checklist you resent.
Stop Setting Goals About Feelings
Some goals are impossible to accomplish because they ask you to control something you do not directly control.
I will stop being anxious.
I will never lose my temper.
I will stop feeling guilty.
I will be more confident.
You can absolutely work on those problems. But feelings are not light switches. A more useful question is: What do I want to DO when that feeling shows up?
Instead of: Stop feeling anxious in social situations
maybe: I will go to the event I actually want to attend even if I feel anxious.
Instead of: Stop feeling guilty when I say no
maybe: I will say no when I mean no without reversing the decision solely because guilt showed up afterward.
Instead of: Stop getting angry
maybe: When I notice myself escalating, I will slow down before I say the thing that usually turns a disagreement into a fight.
Now we are working with behavior. You may still feel something uncomfortable while doing it. That does not mean the goal is failing.
Make the Goal Small Enough That You Can Actually See It
People love making goals that sound impressive. I’m going to prioritize my health this year. Great. What are you doing Monday? The research on goal pursuit consistently points toward the usefulness of getting specific about when, where, and howyou intend to act rather than relying on a general desire to change. So: I need better boundaries at work becomes: When someone asks me to take on something new, I will check my workload before automatically saying yes. I want better friendships becomes: I will text one person this week and actually make the plan instead of saying we should get together sometime. I need to work less becomes: Tuesday and Thursday, I close the laptop at seven. You can always build from there. A small behavior you actually repeat is considerably more useful than an ambitious goal you mostly think about.
Do Not Turn One Miss Into “Well, That’s Over”
This is where perfectionism can wreck a perfectly reasonable goal. You decide you are going to exercise three days a week. You miss Thursday. Then somehow Thursday becomes: Well, I already screwed this week up. And now you are starting again Monday. Or next month. Or apparently January 1 of the following year. One missed behavior is one missed behavior. It does not require a dramatic interpretation. Ask: What happened?
Was the plan unrealistic?
Did something unexpected come up?
Did you avoid it?
Did you forget?
Did you genuinely decide something else mattered more that day?
Use the information. Then make the next choice. The goal is not to build a streak so perfect that nothing ever interrupts it. The goal is to make the behavior increasingly consistent with the life you said you wanted.
When Trauma Gets Mixed Into the Goal
Not every abandoned resolution has a trauma explanation.
Sometimes you made an unrealistic plan.
Sometimes you changed your mind.
Sometimes you really did not care enough about the goal.
But trauma can become relevant when the thing you are trying to change is connected to patterns that developed around what happened. Maybe the resolution is: Work less. But staying busy also means having less time to think about memories you have been avoiding. Maybe it is: Stop controlling everything. But uncertainty has become incredibly difficult to tolerate. Maybe it is: Be more open with my wife. But letting somebody know what is happening internally requires a level of vulnerability you have avoided for years. Maybe it is: Ask for help. But somewhere along the way you came to believe: I can only rely on myself. Now the problem is not that you need a more inspiring New Year’s resolution. There is something underneath the behavior that deserves attention.
Therapy Is Not Required for Every Goal
You do not need therapy because you want to exercise more, spend less money, or finally clean out the garage. Sometimes you need a plan. A calendar. Repetition. And enough willingness to do something when you do not particularly feel like doing it. Therapy becomes more relevant when you keep running into the same pattern despite understanding the problem.
Maybe avoidance keeps winning.
Maybe perfectionism makes every goal unsustainable.
Maybe you can only feel good about yourself when you are performing.
Maybe trauma-related beliefs about control, trust, responsibility, or yourself are tied directly to the behavior you are trying to change.
Then treatment needs to match the actual problem.
Cognitive Processing Therapy (CPT) can help when trauma has affected beliefs about yourself, responsibility, trust, control, or what you believe should have happened.
Prolonged Exposure (PE) may help when PTSD-related avoidance is determining more and more of what you will and will not do.
Narrative Exposure Therapy (NET) may be useful when multiple traumatic experiences have shaped how you understand yourself and your life.
The goal is not: Make me better at resolutions. It is to address the trauma pattern that keeps showing up regardless of what month it is.
A Few Better Questions to Ask Before You Pick the Resolution
Before you commit to the goal, ask: Why do I actually want this? Not why you should want it. Why does it matter to you? Then: What would I be doing differently if this were going well? If you cannot answer that, the goal is probably still too vague. Then: What usually gets in the way?
Time?
Avoidance?
Perfectionism?
Fear of disappointing someone?
You genuinely hate doing it?
Be honest. And finally: What is the smallest version of this behavior I can realistically practice? Those questions give you much more useful information than writing: 2027 WILL BE MY YEAR at the top of a notebook.
Trying Harder Is Not Always the Answer
For a lot of high-functioning men, the default response when something is not working is:
More effort.
Work harder.
Push more.
Be more disciplined.
Get serious this time.
That strategy works beautifully for some problems. If you need to finish a project, more effort might actually finish the project. But if the problem is: I keep saying yes because I cannot tolerate disappointing people more effort is not really solving it. If the problem is: I work constantly because quiet gives me too much room to think a stricter productivity system may actually make the pattern stronger. If the problem is: I cannot delegate because I need everything under control becoming more efficient at doing everything yourself is not progress. Working hard and solving the problem are not always the same thing. Before you decide you need more discipline, make sure discipline is actually the tool the problem requires.
You Do Not Need to Become a New Person in January
Maybe there is something you genuinely want to change this year. Good. Get specific. Make sure it actually matters to you. Identify the behavior. Expect that you will not do it perfectly. Pay attention to what gets in the way. Then keep practicing. You do not need a new personality. You do not need perfect motivation. And you do not need January to transform you. You need a direction that matters and behavior that moves you in that direction often enough for it to start becoming part of how you live. That is considerably less dramatic than New Year, New Me. It is also much more useful.
FAQs About New Year’s Resolutions That Actually Stick
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They can.
One large study found that 55 percent of respondents considered themselves successful with their resolution one year later, and approach-oriented goals did better than avoidance-oriented goals.
So the problem is not simply that resolutions never work.
How the goal is framed and what you actually do with it matter.
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You do not have to choose.
Values or intentions can tell you how you want to live.
Goals help translate that direction into specific behavior.
I want to be a more present dad gives you direction.
I put my phone away during dinner gives you something to practice.
Both are useful.
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Before deciding you lack discipline, look at the goal.
Was it specific?
Did you actually care about it?
Was it realistic?
Did you know what behavior you were supposed to do?
Did you have a plan for when life got busy?
And what happened when you missed once?
Sometimes the goal needs changing more than you do.
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There is no magic number.
But if you have twelve major behavior changes planned for January 1, you have created a lot of work for yourself at once.
I would rather see you identify one or two things that genuinely matter and give yourself enough room to actually practice them.
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Look at what happens when you try to change the behavior.
If the obstacle seems connected to trauma-related avoidance, beliefs about control or responsibility, difficulty trusting people, shame, guilt, or other PTSD symptoms, then trauma may be part of the problem.
That does not mean every failed goal is trauma.
It means sometimes the thing you are trying to change is attached to something bigger than the behavior itself.
If you keep setting the same goal every January and running into the same trauma-related pattern, you may not need another resolution. You may need to address the thing that keeps getting in the way.
I specialize in evidence-based trauma therapy for men using Cognitive Processing Therapy, Prolonged Exposure, and Narrative Exposure Therapy. If trauma seems to be part of why the same pattern keeps following you into another year, schedule a free consultation call and we can talk about whether trauma treatment makes sense.
Explore related topics:
| Trauma & PTSD | Trauma Therapy | Stress & Anxiety | Guilt & Shame |Life Transitions | Relationships & Connection |
About the Author
Brittany Shannon, Ph.D., is a trauma therapist for men with more than 10 years of experience. She trained in the VA system, working with veterans at both outpatient and residential levels of care, and brings that expertise into her private practice today. Based in Kentucky, Dr. Shannon offers virtual therapy across all 43 PSYPACT states, specializing in trauma recovery, PTSD treatment, and men’s mental health. Her work focuses on helping men heal from painful experiences, break free from survival mode, and move forward with clarity and confidence.
You don’t have to keep pushing through this on your own.
