Unseen and Unheard: How The Patriarchy Silences Men
When most people think about sexual trauma, they tend to picture women as the ones who experience it. And for good reason—women face staggering rates of assault, and there’s still so much work to be done in protecting them and validating their experiences. But somewhere along the way, a harmful message got tucked into that truth: that men don’t really go through this too, or if they do, it’s rare, less serious, or somehow less real.
It’s not. And one of the biggest reasons men who experience sexual trauma end up stuck in silence is because of the same system that hurts women: the patriarchy.
So What Is The Patriarchy?
The patriarchy is a social system where men (specifically those who fit traditional masculine norms) hold most of the power—in politics, leadership, decision-making, even interpersonal dynamics. It’s been around for a long time and has roots in ancient power structures that valued strength, control, and dominance as masculine traits, and submission, care, and emotionality as feminine ones.
On the surface, it might seem like men benefit from this system. And in a lot of ways, they do. But the patriarchy doesn't just put men in positions of power—it also traps them in a narrow, punishing definition of what it means to be "a real man." That definition leaves no room for vulnerability, emotion, or pain. And when men experience something traumatic, like sexual assault or abuse, the patriarchy tells them to keep it quiet.
Masculinity, Control, and the Cost of Silence
From early on, boys are taught not to cry, not to talk about their feelings, and definitely not to admit when something has hurt them. The cultural script is clear: men should be strong, stoic, and in control. Sexual trauma threatens all of that. It makes someone feel out of control, powerless, and deeply vulnerable—things the patriarchy says are incompatible with masculinity.
That makes it incredibly hard for men to talk about what happened, let alone ask for help. In fact, men who have been sexually harmed often feel intense shame, confusion, and fear of being seen as weak or even complicit. The research backs this up. A recent study by Nomamiukor and Wisco (2025) found that men who hold more traditional beliefs about masculinity experience more distress and internalized stigma after sexual trauma. They’re also less likely to tell anyone what happened or seek mental health support.
Why Don’t We Hear About This More?
Part of the problem is visibility. When people talk about sexual trauma, men are usually left out of the conversation. That’s not just a cultural oversight—it shows up in services, resources, and even the research itself. There are fewer studies on men, fewer treatment programs designed with them in mind, and fewer opportunities for men to see their experiences reflected back at them in a way that feels validating.
The silence isn’t neutral. It reinforces the idea that sexual trauma only happens to women, or that when it does happen to men, it must be rare or not as serious. Sometimes, this belief gets tied up in feminist rhetoric that’s been taken out of context: that because women are assaulted at higher rates, we should focus only on their experiences. But here’s the thing—advocating for one group doesn’t require ignoring another. That’s not feminism. True feminism calls for dismantling systems that harm everyone, including the systems that silence men.
When Feminism Gets Twisted
It’s a painful thing to witness: women who have been harmed by the patriarchy (and they have, deeply and often) repeating the same patterns by minimizing what happened to the men around them. Sometimes this shows up as disbelief (“That doesn’t happen to guys”), sometimes as dismissal (“It couldn’t have been that bad”), and sometimes as deflection (“Women have it worse”).
All of these responses come from pain. But they also come from a culture that only knows how to view things in black and white. We can hold space for both: that women have been terribly mistreated, and that men have too. Not in the same ways, not always with the same consequences, but both deserve acknowledgment, support, and space to heal.
What Happens When Men Can’t Talk About It
The cost of silence is high. When men feel like they can’t talk about what happened to them, they often turn inward. That can look like depression, anxiety, irritability, or chronic shame. It can also look like substance use, reckless behavior, or emotional detachment. Nomamiukor and Wisco (2025) point out that these responses are often shaped by the social reaction (or lack thereof) men receive when they do disclose. If they’re met with judgment or minimization, they’re much less likely to open up again.
It’s also worth noting that traditional therapy settings aren’t always equipped to help men feel safe enough to talk. If the therapist assumes men don't experience sexual trauma, or doesn't ask the right questions, the experience gets missed. That’s why we need more training, more awareness, and more spaces where men can show up without needing to prove anything.
So Where Do We Go From Here?
If we want to support men who have experienced sexual trauma, we have to start by challenging the system that tells them they can’t exist. That means:
Making space for men to be vulnerable without judgment.
Naming the harm of the patriarchy clearly and often.
Creating resources, services, and language that includes men from the start.
Holding space for men’s pain without comparing or minimizing.
And above all, we have to stop pretending that advocating for one group means turning our backs on another.
Everyone deserves to be heard.
Schedule a free consultation call to learn more or to see if we’d be a good fit to work together. I’m here to help you figure out what makes the most sense for you.
References
Nomamiukor, F. O., & Wisco, B. E. (2025). Sociocultural determinants of mental health among male sexual trauma survivors. Journal of Traumatic Stress. https://doi.org/10.1002/jts.23157
